I found out on Thursday that I am officially out of a job in just a couple of weeks. I knew this was coming, but it just wasn’t concrete. Someone has accepted a job offer and that means my time must come to an end.
I’ve had time to get used to it. Hell, I’m the one that gave notice, right? It’s still tough. I worry about being replaced. What if this person is so much better than me that they wonder why this didn’t happen years ago? And why does that matter to me?
I worry about our finances. That steady income was important to me. I’ve never ventured out on my own because I like to plan. I like stability. I like to know what’s coming financially. Oh, and I like insurance, too.
I worry about having to take way too much work just to bring in the money we need. I’m afraid I’ll actually need to work more than 40 hours to cover our expenses. J has offered to work more hours and find an evening job. If he does that, though, how do I get my work done and still feel like I’m giving the boy the attention he needs?
The whole point is to be here with him. To be present, to enjoy him. How can I do that if I’m constantly worried about money and scrambling to find work. And not just any work. The work that pays well. I know I am a great worker, but the job market is tough. Where do I find the money?
And then I read this: Playing the Money Game. I really hope that I can find that attitude. The openness to finding the work that pays me a decent living wage. Enough work to pay our bills, get out of debt, and move. And enough pay so that I’m not killing myself with 60 or more hours from home just to equal 30 in the office. I need to find the confidence to ask for what I know I’m worth. And to be okay with someone not wanting to pay that, as long as I can find the people who do.
Everyone keeps telling me it’ll work out. I sure hope so. I can’t help but worry. It’s in my nature. I am just like my dad in that regard. We tend to worry – sometimes to our detriment. I’m trying so hard not to let my fears take over. It’s tough.
So I’ve been emotional all weekend. There’s a sense of finality that wasn’t there before. This job has meant a lot to me. I got married, graduated, had a baby – all while working there. It’s the longest job I’ve ever had, and the one I have enjoyed the most. In fact, I’ll be leaving just a couple of days after my job anniversary. It’s all so surreal. I’ve never jumped without a safety net before. God help me, I am now.